What You Need to Know About Your Partner's Sexual History and How to Ask: Nᵒ6 Secrets of the Sexually Empowered

You might have a running list of questions you’re curious about, but the most important is to find out if your partner has knowingly been exposed to or infected with any sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). To assess your STD risk it will take more than simply asking how many partners he/she/they had. After all, while the number of notches can increase infection odds, it’s not a be-all and end-all indicator since exposure can happen in a single sexual encounter if one partner had an STD. 

That being said, the best time to approach the topic is during casual conversation. You can acknowledge that the topic may be embarrassing or uncomfortable, but mention it’s important for you to take care of your sexual health. Asking open-ended questions will likely give you a more substantial answer. But, if you’re worried about sounding accusatory you may prefer to ask close-ended questions that will initially get your partner off the hook with a simple “yes” or “no” answer. Or, you can combine the two by asking questions like “When, if ever, were you sexually involved with someone that had an STD?”  “Have you ever been tested for STDs?” “For what STDs and when?” and “What STDs have you ever had, or have?” Remember, having an open and honest dialogue means sharing information about your status too. 

The main information you want to find out is if your partner has been exposed or infected with any viruses that can’t be cured like herpes (oral and/or genital), HPV, HIV, or hepatitis. If he/she thinks he may have been exposed, it’s a good idea to hold off from having sexual activity, and ask him/her to get tested. If your partner been infected and you still want to be intimate, realize you’re taking a calculated risk, and proceed with caution. You’ll also want to find out if he/she has recently been exposed or infected with other STDs. But, if he/she mentions having had an STD caused by a bacteria—like chlamydia, gonorrhea, or syphilis—or a parasite—like trichomoniasis—so long as treatment was successful with prescription medication your sexual health won’t be affected.

The bottom line: Talking about STDs can be informative. And, getting an STD screening can give you more definitive answers—just keep in mind that each STD has a “window” period that needs to pass for the test to be accurate. However, since many people are infected with STDs and don’t know it, it’s smart to use a latex, polyisoprene or polyurethane condom every time you’re sexually active.

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